Never simple, never easy.

I decided since Laurel has no work for me to do at the moment, that I'd update my blog.

I was late for work, due to stopping to grab lunch. I was only ten minutes and luckily my boss isnt that strict about it. She looks out for me and knows eating is more important. ha.

I got to work and thought something big has happend, something bad. Laurel had a worried look on her face so she brought me in and sat me down to talk.

Turns out, Michelle (the career guidence person) here at the office wanted to talk to me because Gladys (One of my case workers) called because I missed a appointment with her. I was sick and completely forgot about it.
She asked Michelle to talk to me about what I wanted to talk to her about. Which is school. Now, I made this appointment way back in December? Where I actually was thinking about school, I thought I was ready then. I don't think I'm ready now.

I know I'm having a rough patch and I knew it was coming. I know what to expect. I know I have these times where my depression and anxiety are all out of whack with my life. I know that they come and go, but, I'm very paranoid about the 'what if's'

What if I don't get better?

What if I can't get my sleeping sorted?

What if I have a manic episode?

Those are things that run through my head. Its just distorted thinking, I've talked about it with my psychologist and I completely understand the whole 'Thoughts affect your actions, actions affect the consequences" blah blah blah. I get that. I try so hard to think rationaly but sometimes, anxiety gets the better of me.

So, I went in to talk to Michelle about going to school. I was nervouse, scared. I didn't know what to expect because I have no idea if I'm ready to go to school.
Michelle told me that I'd have to go to this three day assessment. She also explained that several people with my kind of problems have found it mentally exhausting. That I should expect this and not be scared of it. Just perpare for it, and everyone will do their best to make me feel comfortable.
She also told me that on top of this three day thing, that I'd have to go through a intense assessment through mental health sevices. Yipee. On top of that, the second assessment is done in groups but Michelle is going to try to pull some strings and see if I can do it one on one since I'd feel more comfortable doing that.
I'll also have to speak to the support worker at the college that I'd like to go to to ask about the workload and the supports that are open to me. I'll have to make appointments between my whole team of psychologists, psychiatrists, support works, doctors ect.. I also asked Michelle that if I signed up for this three day thing, that if I felt like I wasn't ready for it, could I pull out at anytime, she explained it was a option.

After my meeting with Michelle I was a little freaked out. Laurel explained to me that its okay if I don't pass, or if people don't think I'm ready for school. She explained that everybody here and there wants me to succeed and they'll be supporting me however it turns out. I'm happy with that, but deep down, I know I'll feel like a failure if it turns out that I'm not ready for school.

I shouldn't, but I will.

I've worked hard to get where I am today, I should be proud of that, and I am. I am very proud of that. After all I've been through, everything I've had to do to get here, all the people who told me it'd never happen, all the people that said I'll have to settle, I'm here because of all the people that helped me, all the people who pushed me, all the people who gave me the tools, the information, the courage, the friendship, the support. I'm here because of them. I'm so thankful for that.

I'll just work that much harder if I'm not ready.

Maybe in a months time I can get back on my feet, maybe I'll be more stable and work things out for myself. I've done it before and I can do it again.

Matter of fact. I think I'll put my foot down today.
I want to be happy again. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to feel stable, I want to be comfortable, I want to sleep, I want what I deserve.

I'm going to do my best to get on my feet again. I'm going to try and not let my routine know my feet from under me, I'm going to force myself to sleep, I'm going to make a effort to hang out with friends, I'm going to take control.

Oh yes, I am.

I'm babbling. I'm sorry.

Don't read that.

Anyways, thats all I have to say.


Toodles.