Update.

I need to vent.


Over the last few days, I've been having a seriously hard time coping with things.

Some of you may have seen my vlog. I talked about distorted thinking. I have a lot of that right now. I'm sooo very scared that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I'm scared that I won't do anything with my life, but in the back of my mind, I know thats not true and that I've already accomplished what I wanted to do, or what I want to do. I'm having a small set back and I'm working slowly through that.

A few blogs back I talked about how I was having trouble with my eyesight. I knew this would happen. I'm worrying so much that it is something much worse then it probably is. I'm worried that I have cancer (I'll talk about the past in a bit), I'm worried that I'm going blind, I'm worried that I have diabetes. I wish I had a off switch. really.

It's so much worse tonight since I have my doctors appointment tomorrow. The evening was fine, I played some MKW with Jon, I got in bed at a reasonable time, we watched part of finding nemo, he sang to me, but to no avail, I couldn't fall asleep.

I got up, called my mother who told me that I was pointlessly worrying and that I just need stronger glasses. This is something that is very likely. I just need stronger glasses.

I'm awake now, I have a headache which for some weird reason, I think my sugar is low, but I know I ate enough food today that it wouldn't be low. I took a asprin.

I've been trying to get an appointment with my psychologist because I feel like I need something more then my mood groups to get me back on my feet, I don't mean I need medication. I mean I need more support, I need people to talk to. Mood groups arent cutting it.

I remember the last time I was depressed for the longest time. I made commitments to all of my programs that I was going to be happy and I was going to be healthy. I accomplished that with great difficulty. I went to every single one of my programs. To the point where I wasnt feeling my anxiety as much anymore, I could actually do things like go shopping or to the movies, or out to eat. I even had a pretty kicking sleeping pattern going. I remember how good I felt and how much life was looking better at that time. I was happy.

This is what frusterates me the most. I know I can do this, I know I can get better. It's just being motivated to do it. Along with the fact that I don't have any programs that are going to support me along the way at the moment. I talked with Lurel the other day,she was telling me about how funding was starting to shape up and I might have a job soon. Thank the lord for that.

I'm also soooooooo scared about this, when I get my job, will I be able to handle it? I know I could have when I was feeling better but now.. I feel like I'm back at square one. I'm sure they'd understand everything.

Lurel also talked to me about working with one of my best friends, Blith. I'd be traveling with her all over the maritimes meeting with people, tearing down the stigma surrounded with mental illnesses. That'd be cool.

I just need something to keep me motivated. Monday morning mood groups are not enough. Heck, I won't be going to the one in the morning. I haven't been sleeping at all lately. I just can't. I try to sleep at night, I really do. I turn everything off, get in bed, try to quiet down my mind but I just end up worrying about stuff.

I'm sure I've put my boyfriend through hell and back over the past few days. Saying I didn't want to live, I hated him, he deserves better, telling him he ignores me, getting mad and yelling because I'm frusterated. He missed his classes a few days in a row because of me, he stayed with me all night during the rough ones. He loves me. He's staying with me. I love him.

I've been going to sleep at about 8am and getting up at like 3pm for the past few days. Its not healthy, I can feel myself breaking down everyday. Its probably, no not probably, its why I've been having manic episodes almost every night.

My doctors want me to go on medication. I refuse. It's so tempting because it sounds like it would make everything better for me. I know it won't. I watched my dad take these kinds of medications and I know what happend to them. I know their highly addicting and I know they can cause hallucations and suicial thoughts. I refuse to put myself and those who love me through that. If I did this, they gave me the safety net that I could move into a rehab centre for a month or two while my body adjusted to them. I don't like the idea of that.

I've been trying to read and accept some of the things I'm reading in this book "How to stop worrying and start living" He talks about how you shouldnt worry because whats in the past is in the past and nobody knows what the future holds. It's like I'm reading blank pages because my mind won't accept the words.

Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. I really need it. My body needs it.