Rush.

Don't forget that last post, but lets move onto something that will help clear my mind.

Can a person have a sleep phobia? I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I ponder it because so many countless nights I lay here, in my bed. Thinking about going to sleep and whats going to happen if I actually go to sleep. This hasn't really bothered me until now.

For the past few nights I've been staying up til 6am, sleeping til 4-5pm. Yesterday was no different besides waking up a few hours early to try and get a sleeping habit started. I waited until Jon was awake. I wanted him to be awake when I was sleeping, kinda to watch over me, guard me. Its probably the stupidest thing ever but I realized thats why I like sleeping during the day, someone is there to watch over me.

Even when I pull those "stay up for 24 hours, pass out" deals. It doesnt work for me. Even though I stayed up for 24 hours, was dead tired, I just couldn't bring myself to sleep.

I think this ties back to when I had nightmares (still do) when my dad passed away. I remember not having somebody there to comfort me when I was startled awake by my screams. For as long as I can remember, I haven't slept normally since my dad passed. Thats a lie. I'll tell you about that soon. I've noticed I've been more paranoid of sleeping at night as of late. I wonder if its my subconscious telling me its getting around that date again. This 22nd will mark the 3rd year since my dad's passing. That big "5:01am phone call". I don't even want to think about those two days, feeling helpless, angry, anxious. I was a mess. It's funny because I can remember clear as day how that day went.

Reguardless. I know I can have a good sleeping habit. I know, because mid march, late summer I did have a sleeping habit going. I accomplished it, I just need to do it again. I'm a trooper. I know that when I do get a good nights sleep my mental health is generally better and I'm thinking more rationally. I miss those days.

I really, really hope my programs will be back up and running so very soon. I need them, desperately. I wonder if I will be more thankful for them if they do come back, if I'll make an effort to take control of my life and get back what is mine. I sure do miss everyone. I swear I'll spend the day with Carol, baking and sewing. Maybe even a drink with the girls. Anything.

Besides what I just said, this weekend is shaping up to be uneventful and peaceful. My mom came over today and brought me lunch! I was ever so happy to see her.

I want to find something to occupy my time. Last time I was at my mothers house, I grabbed my bulletin board, a box of tacks and all my memory boxes. I brought it home and looked through the boxes, some of my notes brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to make a vlog about it (hopefully). I miss my friends so much and I will never take them for granted ever again. Someday I will be normal and happy again. Someday. I found this picture of me from back in 2004, I had beads stuck in my nose. I remember that night. I remember because it was the best night and the worst night all at the same time. I have never laughed so much as I did then. Courtney + Me + Cabin Six = Good memories. :sigh:

My doctor(s) want me to go on medication again. No way. Never. I had a very nice talk with a good friend last night about medication and he understands how I feel. He told me I was very brave and very strong for not taking them. So many people tell me that, I don't understand nor do I believe it, last night was different. I am brave and I am strong. Strong enough to beat the snot out of this. I will get through this and I will be happy and joyful. I need to focus on that.

I'm just typing away, my fingers clacking on the keyboard, rambling in nonsense. I'm trying to distract my mind from sleeping, thats why. I will stop now though. My eyes are feeling a little bit sticky. Hopefully I'll stay awake.

Thats all.