Cobwebs.

Its been awhile.

Yes, it has.

When it rains, it pours.

The last few weeks have been horrible. My anxiety has been high, I've been depressed, hateful, and everything in between.

I finally got an appointment with my psycoholgist, only to have it cancelled the next day because he had something urgent to take care of, still waiting to hear a new time.

I've been giving Jon a very hard time. He's been so supportive and I'm so thankful for that. It just gets so hard sometimes. Night time is the worst. I think the most weird and wrong things. Thinking about suicide, abandoning Jon, not getting better. I've never felt this bad before. It stinks because I don't have any support at the moment.

I went in to see Lurel and Joyce the other day. I really, really, really miss them all so much. Its funny because on somedays when I had my support groups, I hated going to them, I knew I had to and I knew they were helping me. Now, I just wish that I could have them again. I miss all my friends, I miss getting out of this house, I hate feeling like this. I can't wait til the funding is brought back, if the funding is brought back.

I had a good pattern going for my sleeping, but I ruined it all last night. I have to start all over again. All that hard work out the door. Hopefully I'll be more confident in myself now.

Last night I realized instead of feeling so crummy, I should treat this as a "vacation", that I get to do what I want, when I want, I get to spend time with Jon, I get to relax. I think thats how I'm going to start thinking, as long as its something different then what I have been thinking.

Tonight, I was playing a game with Jon, and I had fun. I can't remember the last time I had fun. I was laughing. I was actually laughing. My big, unique, tear inducing laugh. I have missed it.

Anyways, I don't have much to say.

Goodnight everyone, take very good care <3